It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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