EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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