I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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