i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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