i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
