you would pick up someone in the library
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
