im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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