My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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