1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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