I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
