I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
His hands were made for my vagina.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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