The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
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