dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
