Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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