The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
