i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
