he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
