I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
