woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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