No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
