That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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