I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
