Did you just see the Batmobile???
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Randomize
