tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Randomize
