I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
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I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
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is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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