once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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