Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
