next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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