So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
