I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
