Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
He? As in you personified your dick?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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