I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
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i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
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Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
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