ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
