before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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