You smell like stripper and shame
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Randomize
