i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
