Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
