I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
