you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
