Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
