kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
