i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
