I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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