Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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