i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Randomize
