yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
