I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
