he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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