Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
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All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
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