Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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