If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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