Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
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Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
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Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!