i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!