Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
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I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
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a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours