In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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