my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
