ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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