sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Randomize
