You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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