Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
