just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
