Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
